Words Can't Express
by symphonycirrus
Summary: A guiltridden Azkadellia writes Ambrose a letter
1. Chapter 1

First fic I've had the guts to post...please read & review!

Disclaimer: Sciffy rules all...and I do not.

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Ambrose awoke to the sound of a knock at his door. He opened his eyes. For a moment he was confused as to his whereabouts. Then he remembered: his room in the palace. The surgery. He had been warned that recovery would be long, and he could expect moments of confusion and forgetfulness until he was fully healed. He grabbed his robe and wrapped it around himself as he went to the door. Without thinking, he ran his hand over his scalp. Thank goodness that godforsaken zipper was gone, though his hair seemed intent on parting there anyways. 

He opened the door to an empty hallway. He looked both ways, confused, before looking down. A small brown box sat at his feet, with a folded paper on top. Picking up the package, he stepped back inside, closing the door behind him. He sat down on the edge of his bed and set the package beside him. He opened the paper to see a tear stained page and small, careful script that he had not read in years.

_My dearest Ambrose,_

_No words can express the pain and suffering you have experienced, and I would be foolish to think any words of mine could possibly make amends. I only wish for you to know one thing – words cannot express my anguish and regret over what was done to you. Often in my dreams, I recall the horrible things I've witnessed and done over the past sixteen years, but what haunts me most is seeing myself standing over your operation. I was screaming inside, Ambrose, believe me, I was. But I couldn't break through, I couldn't save you, and I'm so sorry._

_I don't in my wildest dreams dare to hope that you could possibly care for me anymore. But please know that I loved you from the moment we met. I remember when your father first brought you to court. We were nine. As we were introduced, I saw a spark in your eye. You were smart and quick-witted and I liked you immediately._

_While I loved spending time with my sister as a child, I think I most enjoyed my time with you. With DG, I was always watching, teaching, explaining. You and I, we were equals. I cherished the hours we spent in the library, pouring over books of history, science, magic, and literature. You, of course, were the brilliant scientist, I the budding historian. _

_Besides DG, you were the first to notice the change in me after that awful day at Finaqua. You knew there was something wrong. We began to grow apart. It pained me to see it happening, but the witch told me it was your fault, that you just didn't understand me. By the time you came into the service of my mother, we were seventeen and barely spoke. _

_In the dark recesses of my mind, the small spaces that only I could see, I still admired you. You were so brilliant and so brave, right until the end. You always did what was right. You were and are a good person who deserved none of the torture you suffered at my hand. _

_I don't ask your forgiveness, Ambrose, for I surely don't deserve it. Just know that the regret of what happened to you will follow me every day of my life. I am truly and deeply sorry._

_Yours,_

_Azkadellia_

He just stared at the letter. It felt like he was experiencing a thousand emotions at once. Thinking that this couldn't be healthy for his newly-repaired brain, he turned his attention to the box. Inside was another short note.

_I found this on top of a bookshelf in the library yesterday. Do you remember the day you finally made it work?_

Underneath laid his very first holographic recorder. His eyes widened and he gingerly removed it from the box. _It was so crude_, he thought as he looked it over,_ but it might still work_. He set it on the edge of the bed and pressed the power button. The machine began to hum.

In the center of the room, a scene flickered to life. He recognized the table as being in the palace library. A thirteen-year-old Azkadellia sat on it, reading a book, her legs dangling over the side.

His own voice, slightly higher in pitch, broke the silence.

"I think I've got it working, Az!"

Azkadellia didn't look up from her book. "You've said that five times today. I'm reading Ancient Languages of the Outer Zone. You should see these old pictographs."

"No, really, this time!" His hand came into view and waved in front of the lens. Just then, the image disappeared, but the voices continued.

"Wait, it's gone now."

A pause, then Azkadellia's voice. "Should that wire be hanging off the side like that?"

Another pause, and the picture came back, with his young face in full view, and Azkadellia looking over his shoulder at something on the camera. "There. Let me check now."

Young Ambrose went out of sight again, checking the viewfinder. "It works!" He ran back into view, grabbing Az around the waist and spinning her in circles. "It works! It works!" Az giggled and blushed, but young Ambrose didn't notice. He set her back down.

"What will you use it for?" she asked.

"I don't know. Recording special things, I guess."

"Like what?" she asked, looking at him.

He suddenly got nervous, not looking Azkadellia in the eye.

"Ambrose?"

And all of a sudden, he kissed her. At first, her eyes were wide with surprise. He pulled away, frightened to death of her reaction. She just stared at him for a moment, cheeks bright red. Then she leaned in and kissed him. When they pulled apart, they just looked at each other for a moment.

"Maybe you should turn it off now." Az whispered.

"What? Oh, the holo-recorder." He jumped and scurried out of sight. Azkadellia turned to watch him, grinning and blushing.

The picture vanished.

A tear made its way down Ambrose's cheek. So many things had gone terribly wrong since that pure, innocent moment. He sat frozen for several minutes. Then he stood up, leaving the letter and recorder on the bed, and walked straight over to his desk. Pulling out a fresh piece of writing paper and a pen, he started.

_Dear Azkadellia..._


	2. Chapter 2

Many thanks to all who reviewed! This is the first time anyone besides myself has read my writing and I was kinda freakin out at first :-)

Disclaimer: Again, Sciffy rules all, and I do not.

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Azkadellia sat in her room in front of her vanity, brushing her hair. She had taken the mirror down the first night the witch was gone, terrified of looking in it to see the witch's reflection again. 

Gone were the days of ridiculous hairstyles and skin-tight, revealing dresses. She had dragged the entire contents of her wardrobe out onto the balcony and lit a match to the pile of outrageous clothes. As she stood and watched it burn, she felt a little satisfaction. A small part of the darkness inside was gone now.

Today she wore a simple dark blue dress of modest cut. Bright colors just didn't seem to match her temperament yet. Her long hair was down. It took so long to brush out, she had half a mind to cut it off. As she contemplated what she would look like with shorter hair, she heard a rustling at the door and a folded piece of paper slid underneath.

Her heart almost stopped. Setting the brush down, she walked over to the door and picked up the paper, barely breathing. _I'd better sit down for this_, she thought, returning to her chair. Preparing herself for the worst, she unfolded the letter.

_Dear Azkadellia,_

_I am feeling so many emotions right now, I fear they will overload my addled mind. I will try to express my thoughts to you, and I hope they make sense._

_I never stopped caring for you. You were my dearest friend; so many of my most important experiences were shared with you. We were quite the pair – me with my head in the clouds and you, always so practical. You were my most avid supporter, most trusted confidant, most constructive critic, and most treasured companion. _

_When I knew something was truly wrong with you, I went to your mother. She was the most good and powerful person I knew. If anyone could help you, it would be her. She listened to me, and I believe she took my suspicions seriously, but she did not act on them. This frustrated me to no end. I saw you growing worse and worse, and I approached her again. She said she believed you might be possessed. I asked what could be done about it, and she said she feared to confront you because the witch was powerful and she worried about your safety._

_After DG's "death", I knew it wasn't you inside your body. It ripped my heart out, Az. I saw you at her funeral, showing no emotion at all. I knew you, Azkadellia, and this person was not you. I then devoted my life to assisting the one person I believed could save you – the queen. I even had an idea for a device that could separate you from the witch, but I had no talent in magic and your mother said the witch's power was too strong._

_It wasn't until the day we were hauled away by the Longcoats that she told me she wasn't capable of saving you. That she had used her magic to save someone very special. I was completely devastated. Who could be more special than you?_

_I knew it wasn't you that ordered my surgery, though I'll admit it didn't make it much easier. That look in your eyes was pure malice. I pled with you anyway, hoping you could hear me, wherever you were. My memories after that are difficult to explain. I have a vague recollection of being both in the tower and being Glitch._

_Az, we can only be held responsible for our own actions. Punishing yourself for circumstances beyond your control will do nothing but make you miserable. What is past is past and we both need to come to terms with it somehow, and then focus on the present. I am not implying that it will be easy; it won't. But I'm going through so much right now, and I would love to have my best friend back to talk to. When you're ready, I'll be there for you._

_Ambrose_

Azkadellia's tears were dripping from her cheeks onto the page by the time she finished reading it. She set the letter down next to her hairbrush and rushed to the door. She had to find him. She turned the handle and pushed – to find him standing against the corridor wall, biting his lip nervously. His eyes met hers shyly.

"Hi." He said quietly.

Az threw herself into his arms, sobbing uncontrollably. "Oh, Ambrose."

"Hey, it's okay." He offered, lightly smoothing her hair.

"I'm so sorry."

His tone became serious and he gently pushed her one step back. "What did I say about that? No more apologies, right?"

She nodded, sniffling and wiping her eyes as he fought back the tears building up in his own.

"I don't even know where to start." She whispered, not meeting his gaze.

"It's a nice day outside." He said, offering her his arm. "How about a walk in the garden?"

She looked up at him and smiled – the kind of smile that he remembered from holo-recording – as she took his arm. "That would be wonderful."

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Thanks for reading! Please review!


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